Hello Sagarika Auntie! Trolling Gujaratis, eh?

Rejoinder or open letter to Sagarika Ghose for her nonsensical blog Su che? Saru che!. 

Dear Sagarika,

First of all let me draw your attention to the title of your article- Su Che? Saru Che!- and humbly submit that it’s an UNGRAMMATICAL title. I know that besides twitter, you do not know how to use the marvel of technology called internet. Not knowing perfect English grammar may be a crime, but being an illiterate of the technological advances certainly is not. So I would not unleash any Fafda eating demon Gujju (that’s the term you use for the people who live in Gujarat, right?) upon you. But on a serious note, let me tell you that it should have been “Shu Chhe!” and “Saru Chhe”. Nevertheless, your title would still not have made any sense. But I’d not hold any grudge over your buffoonery.

Now what kind of nonsense is, At home and abroad, Gujarat has never loomed larger? Let me introduce you, without taking the help of Google (You may wonder what the eff is this Google), to Gujarat. If you have seen the map of India, you must know that Gujarat is a coastal state. It may amuse you that it was a Gujarati sailor, (કખગઘચછજઝ), who guided Dom Vasco da Gama to India from the Cape of Good Hope. You may not appreciate (or understand either), but Gujarat has always believed in वसुधैव कुटुम्बकम, something which our Prime Minister Narendra Modi (Yeah He’s from BJP) has emphasized in his maiden address to the United Nations General Assembly. It was Gujarat to grant refuge to Zoroastrians (Remember Fali Nariman?) who escaped from the onslaught of the sword of Islam. A north Gujarati boy, Khusro Khan, ruled the Sultanate of Delhi for a year at the age of only 19 years. You must know who Dadabhai Navroji is. Don’t you worry if your knowledge of history is poor; just take help of your dear friend Ramachandra Guha. Also ask him who Jamshed Tata was and what he contributed to the progress of India, you must also know about JRD Tata as well. Now you must have heard the name of Ambani, right? After all, how can you forget the one who was responsible for your removal from the channel your husband built from the scratch?

You must also know that both Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi and Mohammad Ali Jinnah were Gujarati. I know that you don’t like him, but the Bismarck of India (I know that you’re a champion of the European history) Vallabhbhai Zaverbhai Patel also was born in India only. Heard about Morarjibhai Desai? Oh just forget that, have you heard of Amul? You must know Mallika Sarabhai, but do you know her father, Dr Vikram Sarabhai? IIMs, PRLs, and ISRO (MOM, remember?) too were his vision. And guess what, he was a Gujjubhai only.

This much of introduction should suffice I believe. And as promised, I didn’t take the help of Google.

This much of introduction should suffice I believe. And as promised, I didn’t take the help of Google.

Now let’s come to Narendra Modi. May I ask you a simple question- Which parliamentary constituency does Mr Modi represent in the Lok Sabha? What??? Did you just say Vadodara? Wrong answer honey! Narendra Modi represents Varanasi of Uttar Pradesh (unfortunately people of India are no different from effete Gujarati people, you see) in the Lok Sabha. I am sure that you don’t want to talk about the nightmare called 16^th May, 2014 anymore. Yet just to refresh your memory, BJP won a whooping majority, securing 282 seats, in the Lok Sabha. Even your home state West Bengal elected two BJP MPs, namely S.S. Ahluwalia and Babul Supriyo. Now just tell me one thing- Would you vote for an effete Gujjubhai, who according to you, can connect only to Gujjus? Or let me make it simpler to you- Do you think that people would have preferred Narendra Modi over Mulayam Singh Yadav and Mayawati in Uttar Pradesh, Lalu Prasad Yadav and Nitish Kumar in Bihar if he was only a Gujju sensation? Let alone Uttar Pradesh and Bihar, even Jammu & Kashmir, Assam and Arunachal Pradesh too preferred Narendra Modi over whatever other options they had. So was it all because of his Gujjuness? When will you grow up, Sagarika auntie?

You may loath your grandparents, but NRGs don’t. They know that whatever they are is only because of their parents’ and grandparents’ hard work and hence they try their best to render all the comforts of the world they can afford to their aging parents and grandparents. But in order to understand the family values, you must know what a happy family means. Someone who is still craving for an orgasm would never be able to understand it. By the way, I heard that Rajdeep was used to beat you up and you guys had to change your address quite often as you guys used to create scenes. Is it true?

Neither Rajdeep nor you really deserve the ‘stature’ and ‘position’ that you’re enjoying. I do remember that your father was an influential person who managed to launch careers of Rajdeep and you. So to expect that you’ll respect the hard work is like expecting peace from Pakistan. Hey, don’t take it personal honey; it’s just my freedom of expression. By the way, I’m just wondering whether your ‘jerkometer’ would blast if at all you come to read this rejoinder.

You must be remembering your proud coinage “Internet Hindus”. I’m glad to inform you that Hindu Nationalists wear that title as a badge of honour. And you were right in a way; internet is one of the reasons of the resurgence of Hindutva. Nevertheless, I was saddened to learn that of late you’ve completely stopped using that phrase. I’m now glad that you’ve coined not one but two phrases- Long Distance Nationalism, and Internet Nationalism. Of the two of them, Internet Nationalism seems perfectly ordinary and hence I’ll not talk about it. I’d rather wear it as a badge of honour when you call me that name. But this Long Distance Nationalism has intrigued me. Tell me honestly Sagarika, have you ever been in an LDR (Long Distance Relationship you silly)? Anyway, let’s not get personal, and let me leave it to the twitter.

Now I am wondering why on the earth have I written a rejoinder to your stupid article! Off to do Yoga so that I can focus on important things and never again indulge in squandering time like this.